Are you “othering” your colleagues and fueling conflict?
“Othering” is a feeling tone, where you put someone on the other side of an invisible fence in your mind and tell yourself, “I’m not that.”
A leadership coaching client of mine recently had a breakthrough around a conflict she was having at work. She realized she’d been seeing her colleague as “other.”
“Othering” is a one-sided “us vs. them” mindset that’s hindering your professional relationships and success by making others less relatable and human.
Have you ever drawn a biased mental line between you and your colleagues? You’re normal; they’re “different.” You’re reasonable; they’re “difficult.” The list goes on.
This is a subtle, often unconscious mindset habit leaders sometimes get swept up in when they’re feeling frustrated by employees, encountering difficult behavior or infighting with their teams. Rather than approach colleagues with curiosity and compassion, it’s easier to sink into emotions and put them in a “box”, setting them apart as different from you. This “othering” only fuels conflicts further by creating division, reinforcing frustrating dynamics, and ultimately blocking peace and progress.
In the recent leadership coaching session I mentioned, the client and I were working through a conflict she was having with a colleague who was being unprofessional and passive aggressive. As I reflected to my client how it seemed she was perceiving her colleague, there was a moment where it all clicked.
She realized that she was perpetuating the dysfunctional behavior of another leader by seeing them as “other”, or in this case, cold and uncaring, because of their behavior. She recognized her internal dialogue about this person, which included thoughts like, “Wow what a jerk” and “I can’t believe they did that.”
This “ah ha” moment was a breakthrough in this leader’s mindset. This powerful shift simply began with first noticing these “othering” thoughts, and then building a bridge back to making this colleague relatable again. Trust and alignment now had a chance at being rebuilt.
Have you been “othering” your colleagues lately too? Here are some simple tools to move forward. Let’s dive in.
Mindset Shift: Stop “Othering” Your Colleagues
Learn how to build a mental bridge back to relatability with your colleagues.
1. Notice Your Internal Monologue and Tone
“Othering” is a feeling tone, where you put someone on the other side of an invisible fence in your mind with the implied feeling of, "I'm not that." You start relating more to this created idea of them rather than relating to who they actually are.
The first step to halting this damaging thought process is to make the invisible fence visible.
Be aware of your internal dialogue, and take note every time you think “othering” phrases like:
“They’re impossible.”
“They make NO sense.”
“They’re hard to work with.”
“I can’t believe they did that. What were they thinking!?”
2. Reframe and Rehumanize
Every time we put our colleagues in the “other” box, we interpret everything they do as evidence to support our biased view of them.
Instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong, what if we shifted to curiosity, compassion and solutions instead?
Try this:
“This person is impossible.” → “This is a flawed human, just like me, with fears, habits and blind spots. Here’s how I can help improve things.”
Building a bridge does not mean ignoring bad behavior or agreeing with them, it’s about seeing their humanity and finding common ground to be able to coexist and foster a healthier, more effective environment.
3. Reenter the Conversation
Once we have noticed that we’ve been “othering” and reframed our mindset, we can try re-engaging with our colleague. We might find that we listen with new ears, see with new eyes, and empathize with a softened heart.
Takeaways for How Leaders Can Move Past “Othering” and Build Healthier Relationships with Their Colleagues
“Othering” holds teams back by creating division and distrust. By recognizing your thoughts and shifting your mindset, you can build a healthier bridge between you and your colleagues. This will allow you to respond and truly connect despite your differences.
Do you need help managing workplace conflicts, identifying “othering” thoughts or shifting your mindset? Book a consultation to get the leadership support you need.
