A Challenge for You: Can You be Warm & Clear at the Same Time?
A huge part of leadership is communicating well -- getting your message across effectively. A recurring question that has come up over the years for the leaders with whom I've coached is:
How can I get through to my colleague about this thing I need done differently?
One client of mine works with a contracting organization at their site. This adds interesting dynamics because a natural rift of ‘us vs them’ is perpetually at risk of taking hold. So when messages need to be delivered, these leaders must 'cross the chasm' and the clarity and demonstrated intent to invest in the relationship (read: warmth) is even more important.
The trap that most leaders get stuck in is that they either a) soften their message in order to be nice and connect with their people, or b) get righteous about their message and lose any sense of connection with the people.
The challenge for you as a leader is: can you be warm and clear at the same time?
One metaphor that I've used with clients is, when you need to deliver a message, it’s like delivering a gift in a box. Your message is the gift inside a really nice box with a beautiful ribbon on it, clearly prepared with thought and care. When you remove the lid, you may see a gift that is hard or prickly, or simply unwanted, but the intention to give a quality item with care is clear.
This is different from the “shit sandwich” approach. This is a feedback term referring to sandwiching some tough-to-swallow feedback in between two half-hearted, vague compliments. The gift box is a frame that demonstrates your care and intention to ready the recipient for the message. It is not a compliment, but a testament to the relationship and its ability to hold the transparency that is about to come.
The shit sandwich creates a threat response and can cause someone to close down at mention of the first vague compliment. The gift box framing, when done well, does the opposite. It increases receptivity and openness.
Leaders: can you be warm and clear at the same time, in the same conversation?
Warm - I care about you as a fellow human. I appreciate you. I am not a threat to you.
Clear - This task, process, or outcome needs to change in this and this way.
Let’s look at the example I mentioned earlier. The leader has called one of the managers from the contracting agency into their office.
Hi, Nate. Thanks for stopping by on such short notice. I appreciate your willingness to sit down with me. I’d like to share my observations with you about your team’s recent performance over the last month. What we have seen in the numbers is a 10% decrease in completion of status reports. As you know, we can’t sustain that in this business, so I wanted to check in to see if you have any insight into what’s going on, and any thoughts on what we can do about this.
In this example, the warmth is demonstrated by the appreciation for the conversation at the beginning, and the inquiry at the end, not to mention a delivery tone that displays thoughtfulness. The clarity is in both the data and naming that the slip in the numbers is not something that can be tolerated long term.
If you think you either have to be the nice guy and be everyone's friend, or that you have to be the bad guy who overturns tables, you're trapped in a false dichotomy. Practice being both warm and clear at the same time, and notice the effective leaders around you doing the same.
