Feelings at Work: A Guide for Leaders
It can be confusing and uncomfortable to wade through our negative feelings at work and come out the other side in a constructive way. But feelings have something important to tell us, if we are wise enough to capture the learning and not let them derail us.
1. Identify the feeling and its trigger
How are you feeling, and what instigated that feeling? This belongs in the "easier said than done" category. See if you can name the feeling and pinpoint when exactly it was triggered. Try to separate the trigger from a specific person – try to identify its pattern.
Like fish swimming in water, some people swim in their feelings perpetually and don't recognize them as distinct from a peaceful baseline. The more you can recognize those moments of "peaceful, untriggered existence" and juxtapose them with the times when you're in a heightened emotional state, the more you can begin to allow "peaceful, untriggered existence" its rightful place at the helm and let your feelings be the navigational stars.
2. Own the feelings
In a previous post, I wrote about boundaries with the title "My Boundaries are for Me". Similarly, your feelings are yours. Do not make your feelings someone else's problem to fix. The fact that you had a reaction to something another person said – that is for you to process and learn from. If your relationship is sufficiently solid that you can actually tell the person how their behavior made you feel (few relationships are that solid in the workplace unfortunately but we are working hard to change that for our clients), that is a gift you are giving the other person (assuming you give the feedback humbly with tact and it is not spun into an attack).
However, giving feedback to the person whose behavior triggered you is not going to make the feeling pattern within you go away. This is good news and bad news. It means you have the power to alter your patterns, but it’s more work for you. In conclusion, your feelings are for you and no one else.
So, how should leaders process their feelings? Through any form of reflection, really. (Do you make time for reflection?) Art, journaling, talking with a friend, a therapist, or a professional coach, contemplating, meditating, time in nature, you name it.
What you're doing is getting to know the feeling and its trigger, so you take some mystery and thus power away from it. The next time it happens, it won't blindside you, and it won’t sting so much. You'll be able to say "There's that pesky pattern again," which means you're one step further removed from its grip.
3. Extract the wisdom
This third step makes a feedback loop that helps you use your feelings as a wisdom compass to guide you. This is how you can use your feelings to actually be better at your work (read: feelings at work are not automatically a liability for leaders; they can actually be an asset). Feelings have information in them. Once you've begun compartmentalizing the personal work of processing the feeling pattern, you can ask yourself what the takeaway is within your leadership role and work context. Here are some generalized examples that have arisen in our leadership coaching over the years:
If you're feeling nervous about an upcoming presentation, it might mean that the presentation is really important to you. It might mean you need to face the fact that you should spend more time preparing.
If you feel resistant about a team decision, it might mean you haven’t fully reconciled one of your concerns. It might mean you still don’t understand why consensus was reached on that decision.
If you're feeling frustrated with an employee, it might mean your expectations are too high. Or it might mean the two of you are not aligned around the goal or set of tasks. If you're feeling envious of a colleague, it might mean that you sense under-tapped potential within yourself.
If you’re feeling impatient, it might mean you need to slow down. Or it might mean you need to speak up about the urgency you feel.
Leaders like you can mine the wisdom so you can bring it back to your leadership work to inform your next step. If you're not sure, you can simply ask yourself What is this experience trying to tell me?
If you are listening, you will hear the answer.
For organizations seeking to build emotionally intelligent leadership, explore our workshops and training programs.
