Learning to Live in Limbo
My husband and I recently had a few uncomfortable days while we worked through a dispute with our contractor. He had sent us the final bill for our renovation and it included a few surprises that we were pushing back on. We wrestled with the question of where and how much to assert our point of view that what he was doing was unfair.
During those few days I surprised myself as to how much equanimity I felt amidst a relatively turbulent time. I felt clear on where we could compromise and where we couldn’t. I wasn’t afraid of a backlash or angry reaction from the contractor because I was so sure of our position and the principle for which I was standing up.
The few days between when we engaged in back-and-forth attempts at alignment and asserted our final opinion were what I’m calling a “limbo” state. The outcome was uncertain. The future of the relationship hung in suspense. Our reputation and perceived integrity was at stake. It was a stressful few days where we spent considerable mental energy weighing options, remembering facts about the project, and reminding ourselves of who we wanted to be and what we wanted to stand for during our time on this world.
We’ve all had these limbo states. Times without closure and heightened levels of uncertainty. We are collectively living in a limbo state now with the Coronavirus pandemic. Life itself, from cradle to grave, is one big limbo state. But let’s focus for now on the short-term limbo states when we have an unresolved problem, be it with a relationship or a technical puzzle. How can we slow down and refrain from rushing to a solution in hopes to “make it go away”? If we can do that, we can lower the internal noise level and thus hear more clearly what the right path is for us.
Frankly, I surprised myself on my unwavering confidence (“Huh, I guess I have grown!”). As I reflected on my increased capacity to handle this contractor situation, I noticed a few ways things felt different this time around than in the past:
I trusted myself to handle whatever the future brought in the situation. (And my mind is great at imagining worst case scenarios like small claims court!)
I was able to be present with the discomfort of what was happening at the moment, and that helped me not feel the need to rush to a resolution.
Part of the reason for #2 is because I didn’t judge the discomfort as A Bad Thing.
I felt clear on the facts of what had happened (there was a bait and switch) and conviction that I was not going to tolerate it. (Regular therapy has helped me here!)
If limbo states tend to knock you on your knees, what can you do to increase your capacity to sit with the unknown?
Discomfort - embrace it, face it, be in it. This is part of what it means to live a full life, no?! Ironically, the more you do this, the less uncomfortable these situations will become.
Practice presence. (There are lots of ways to do this - find yours!) You will gain trust that you’ll also be able to handle the future when it becomes the present.
Increase conviction. What is true for you? What do you stand for? What do you believe? Therapy, journaling, coaching, purpose work, art, time alone in nature, these are some ways to gain conviction.
Just wait. Wait to respond, to finalize, to, in whatever way, get out of the muck. If you’re having a hard time waiting, call a friend or a trusted advisor. Write a draft email (do not populate the “to” field!) or do some journaling. Doing this step will actually mean you’re addressing the first three!
Our ability to “live in limbo” means hearing our deepest wisdom. It means experiencing more truly the full spectrum of the human experience while paradoxically increasing our equanimity - the weight of our own ballasts. Best of all, we learn and express who we are which strengthens our capacity for the next limbo state. There is guaranteed to be another one!
